Insomnia

12.14am

And I am wide awake after 1 hour on bed.

Terrible!

I am so stress about work because I am not confident to finish the syllabus on time. As many lessons were taken away from me this year, I have difficulty finishing work according to the schedule. And after 3 weeks of sickness, I am terrible behind schedule. ARHHHHH~~~

12.16am

There are many things which stopped me from serving this year, my health, my crazy workload... but the reason which weigh most is perhaps- disappointment.

Disappointed. I finally think through it, it is not the reason totally. But it does make up a large portion. I was disappointed by my own kind. Disappointed with Christians. I was tripped by my own kind. Ever since I stepped into the work place, I found so many ugly things which Christians do. Disgusted! Disappointed!  Dismay!

I FEEL TOTALLY ASHAME OF MY OWN RELIGION. 

The many things which I cannot agree with, the many ways of doing things which is totally un-Christian. I feel like digging a hole and hide my own religion. Totally. ONE BIG HOLE. How can followers of Christ behave in such a way! Those who hold power, screamed at each other, do nasty things, change rules to protect themselves. Those who send their little ones here, behaved like a demanding boss. I recalled there was an incident last year, when one of the "bosses" called me and reprimanded me with the bible verse which I placed on the blog. I didn't cry but it felt terrible. What did I do wrong to deserve all these? To think, I AM OF THE SAME BELIEF AS YOU!

And to think this is a house of the Lord. How could that be?

I see.
no patience.
no servanthood.
no respect.
no care.
no forgiveness.
Less not talk above Love, which is above all.

I told all these to Joanne, my best poly mate, who is a devoted buddhist, whom I prayed for all these years.

Surprisingly, she did not say any thing bad about Christianity. She asked me not be so depressed and explained to me every religion has both good and bad people. I felt better after she told me this. And I feel strange that the affirmation came from a non-C.

Seated in the worship hall today, I felt better. I felt slight relieve. Only slightly.

Now, I finally iron my thoughts and pen down the words.

Bedtime.

Maybe this is the reason for the insomnia.